Remember that one time that one guy decided to put his life under a magnifying glass and counsel himself with himself? All in the hopes of becoming a better man, to rewire his brain, and learn how to thrive into the future instead of being an idiot weighed down by his past embarrassments and failures? That guy needs to calm the heck right down. If the last post on confessions and stupidity wasn’t enough, then we’ll pick up some more steam here.
They Don’t Make Them Seams Like They Used To
This story by far wins the trophy for my most embarrassing embarrassment of embarrassments. There was a big water park near my house growing up. I didn’t go very often. I felt all chubby, and I think my childhood best friend Cam (with whom I spent most of my childhood and teenage years) felt all skinny.
I remember going with him maybe twice. One of the times I remember like it was yesterday. I didn’t have a good pair of swim trunks so I threw on some shorts. “These look cool enough” said teenage Wes. As already proved, teenage Wes’s brain does things like driving a car without any way of stopping it and trying to smother out a firework with carpet.
Cam and I went around having a good time and pointing out all kinds of funny and inappropriate things. I myself was about to become a funny and inappropriate thing. We went down the biggest fast slides the park had to offer, and also just hung out in the wave pool. For about an hour I noticed people looking at me funny. I kept blowing it off trying to tell myself it was in my mind. No one would just stare at me because I’m a little chubby right? Can’t be only that, see look, that lady is way fatter than me.
Finally, there was a group of girls that were noticeably laughing at me. It was apparent something was going on. Finally, an acquaintance of Cam’s approached us and told him why people were laughing. Upon investigating my backside Cam found a surprise called my butt. Many others found that surprise for the hour I walked around the park. It turns out I should have picked shorts based on the construction of the seams, not the coolness of the pattern they provided. The entire back seam of the shorts were ripped out, so when I walked my arse was visible to all behind me.
Far as I can figure when I went down one of the fast rides the water pressure went up my leg and burst straight out of the back seam of the shorts. I now wear three pairs of swim trunks on top of each other to avoid a reoccurrence, and I also just don’t go to water parks. Cam and I talked about this experience and other embarrassments while I watched him play a video game once, it’s a really cute and fun watch, check it HERE.
Blue Banana’s And That’s Too Honest
One fine afternoon, I found myself sitting at my in-laws home. I don’t know why I was previously lost and now found, but I’m glad to be on the other side of that. People are playing games, children are running wild screaming like banshees. My 2 year old first son is throwing out his usual interesting requests that are fairly difficult to fulfill: “I want a blue banana!” “Well buddy bananas don’t really come with a lot of color options,” I say, while seriously considering rubbing blue food coloring all over a banana, because I knew what was coming. “BLUE BANANA!” If there were stores that sold only blue food I’d be set with this kid. Once his little fit subsided, he went off to play with his cousins, and everyone else wanted to play a game.
I wasn’t in the mood for whatever board game had been selected so I hung out on a nearby lounge chair. I grabbed my computer and started looking at a music video I was editing. The video starts out with me playing the guitar in an empty room. My little two year old niece climbed up my leg, which was an inspirational climb. Eventually she reached my chest and then sat on me leaning over and whispering hilarious things in my ears. After a couple minutes of laughing and hearing all forms of gibberish she looks over at my video. She intently listens for a minute or so. She then slowly looks up at me, leaned and whispers into my ear in a cute little two year old sweet girl voice “Nobody likes this song.”
What A Cough Pal
I coughed really hard for three days. Some people have bodies that would react by saying “Wow buddy, let’s stop coughing ok? Get a little rest and I’ll take care of it.” My body thinks others bodies are uncreative and has no intention of being a body that could be considered cliche. My body said “Wow dude, let’s keep that cough rolling baby and see what we can make of this! In fact why don’t you cough so hard that I’ll rip a hole in your stomach muscles and you can have the wonderful feeling of deathly puke face hellish stab pains.” My body opts for hernias over cough recovery. Good one, thanks body.
I went to a rock concert one day after having the hernia repair surgery. Here’s a life tip, don’t go to rock concerts one day after having a hernia repair surgery. It brought a whole new meaning to the phrase “bust a gut.” That is exactly what I had done! But, it wasn’t the result of an amazing guitar solo, or laughing uncontrollably at a good joke. It was a stupid cough.
The Many Beautiful Falls
I don’t consider myself to be a ditzy human being, but if it was possible to create a video reel of the many times I’ve fallen, tripped, and jacked myself up in various silly ways, it would be a longer video than I’d like to admit. My many beautiful falls definitely would have a plaque in hall of my embarrassments. Some of the falls I don’t even remember.
Apparently when I was about 9, I was staying at my grandparents house for a few days in Denver, Colorado. I had just taken a shower, and I went to the top of the stairs to ask my grandpa a question. Instead of inquiring anything of “Poppie,” I thought falling down the entire staircase would be more fun.
Here’s the thing, I only had a wrapped towel around me, which went shooting off of me as I spun and crashed to the bottom. Downstairs, I also had a set of cousins that witnessed my naked body slam below. When I started this shameful embarrassment, I used the word “apparently,” because I have no recollection of this moment at all.
I have been reminded of it by my cousins, who I’m sure can’t get that hilarious image out of their heads. My psychological defense systems must have realized this moment would cause horrors to my psyche, so it full on covered up the moment as if it never happened.
What’s crazy is years later, I fell down another set of stairs, and a different set of cousins witnessed my crash to the bottom! What in the name of all balls! This round I was 14. There was a group of 5 cousins playing Mario Kart in the basement. Luckily I wasn’t naked this time, but as I stood up, I hit my head quite hard on the end of the hand rail. Naturally, an uproar of laughing ensued. I felt like I was in an old Charlie Chaplin or a Laurel and Hardy movie. These dude cousins mention the experience every single time I see them every few years or so.
Moving on to age 20, I was with a large group of volunteers. After a long morning of manual labor service, we all went to grab something to eat. One of the guys in the group was a big jokester. I was the leader of the group, and he really wanted to mess with me. He was also the kind of guy that didn’t know when to stop. As we were leaving the fast food joint, he pulled out a ketchup packet he had hidden in his pocket, opened it, and squirted it all over my shirt in the chest area.
He started running, and without thought I was chasing him. I started to catch up to the fool, which was awesome! I thought he would outrun me. When I caught him, I planned on giving him a big hug and sharing the ketchup as he was so kind to share with me. I was just about to grab the hosehead, and I freaking tripped. I tripped bad. Somehow my right arm took the brunt of the fall skidding across the rocky asphalt.. It looked like I had a severe burn on my arm. It took many weeks before it healed and looked normal again.
Over the next decade, there were many other embarrassments in the form of silly faced falls, but the last one I’ll share was the most embarrassing. I didn’t even completely fall to the ground this time. But, as it is can be said, location is everything. It was the funeral of that same wonderful grandpa, Poppie. We were very close, and I still miss his quiet witty humor, his Diet Dr. Pepper addiction, and his overall example of how a good man should be.
I was asked to speak at his funeral, or I asked myself because I helped plan the whole deal. The funeral was a beautiful tribute to his life. I don’t remember anything that I said, but I do remember one thing clearly. After I shared my thoughts I stepped down from the podium and sat down in my seat. Except that’s not what happened at all. I somehow didn’t realize how high the step up to the podium was.
The high step caused my legs to have a mental breakdown. That doesn’t make sense, but that’s how it felt. Or did someone secretly inject jello into my legs while I was speaking? Whatever the case, I almost fell over hard. It seemed like I was trying to stop myself from falling across a football field. The audience enjoyed that finale, and maybe Pop did too.
Positive Symbolism In Embarrassments?
Showing your butt around water town, hernias, and falling again and again, and then again one more time is symbolic. Batman’s dad said it best in Christopher Nolan’s Batman Begins. If I have to quote the line, then you haven’t seen it, and that wont do, so go check it out. Plus I’ve already talked about the scene before.
Your brand of embarrassments, failures, and let downs will be very different from mine. But, whatever they are or however bad they may feel, you and your life is far greater than those moments. We all need to understand how important we are, regardless of what we do. I’m not using that as an excuse for complacency, and you shouldn’t either.
But, the world can get us down and make us feel like the only way to be worthwhile is to achieve certain things. We have to make a Personal Power Pact and vow to not to believe it!. It’s plain and complete total bull crap. You are worthwhile and amazing, just you, with or without a checklist of things you could do in your life. That is our foundation. It is definitely a solid idea to work, grow, and build on top of our basic worth. Just don’t ever let yourself feel lower than that foundation.
Guaran-stinking-teed I have more embarrassments to come. In fact, in the middle of writing this post, I accidentally used the women’s bathroom at a hotel where I was helping a buddy with a gig. I didn’t realize it until I was walking out and there was a basket full of maxi pads. I was really confused until I wasn’t.
I won’t let that or any embarrassments, failures, or let downs touch my resolve. I’ll just laugh it off, and keep moving. Time to Thrive amigos! Rock on!
VIDEO version of this episode HERE
PODCAST version of this episode HERE