Sweet Little Timmy
This is my self therapy session, I can do whatever I want Timmy! Right now, I want to douse myself in a stupidity sandwich, and I want to bring you with me. Did you know you could be doused with a sandwich ripe with stupidity? We don’t have to go very far. Just a quick trip into my head and and back again. Talking about heads, I had this little weird cyst inside of my forehead in high school. Haha. It was above my right eye, embedding itself in the flesh between my skull and my skin. I was watching TV late one night and saw this ridiculous sci-fi show, Psi Factor.
There was a lady… or was it a dude? It was definitely a human of some kind. On this show, you never know. It could have been a can of tuna fish, possessed with a demonic evil that would destroy an entire city unless the investigators figured it out. But, in this episode the guest star had the presence of a twin stuck inside of them since birth. The little thing had not developed properly. The twin was almost like a creepy counter conscience that told the lady/dude to do evil stuff. If I remember the show right, the twins name was Timmy, or maybe I am just confusing it with tiny Tim, either way – if I ever want to pretend that I am losing my mind and talking to an imaginary someone, I talk to Timmy.
I also named that cyst in my forehead Timmy for good measure claiming it was my evil underdeveloped twin living in my forehead. Poor little guy, I had him removed in 12th grade because it was freaking me out. It started getting bigger and telling me to do evil stuff. To this day if I push on the spot where Timmy once lived I get a sharp pain on the top of my head. Some weird nerve damage or something that happened as a result of finally killing my evil twin.
What does this have to do with anything? Absolutely nothing. Aside from getting us all primed up to take a ride on the “S.S. Stupidity Train”. A train so daft and so full of pure grade stupidity, it doesn’t even know if it’s a train or a boat. What? Exactly. As a part of my treatment plan I figure I had better take the idiotic moments of my life into account and see if I notice any trends. This could be some good evidence for the standing case against Wesly Lapioli, that he is a genetically built silly person, emanating rays of stupidity for the whole world to see. Kind of like the sun, but also not at all. Stupidity. See don’t you feel primed?
Act of Pure Stupidity 1.0 – The Ski Commercial
My previously mentioned creative friend Cam was doing an assignment for a video production class in high school. I was the star of several of his masterpiece short films. This time around he had an idea of a guy who never took off his pair of ski’s off because they felt so good. It was basically a commercial spot for the skis. The video opens with me waking up in bed with my Elna skis on. I then eat breakfast, take a shower, try to make it up some stairs, and try and figure out a way of getting into a car, all while sporting the skis. The tagline appears, and then the final shot of the video rolls.
This final shot shows me with both legs sticking out of a car window with skis on, I pull the transmission into drive and pull away out of the shot. If all you see is the video, then you don’t think much of it. You’d probably think to yourself, “that was a fairly goofy teenaged made video” maybe with a little courtesy giggle. Instead of just watching the video, transport yourself on location with me and Cam as we are setting up to shoot that last shot. I got in the car, stuck my feet out of the window and Cam strapped the skis to my feet. He backed off, framed the shot, counted to three, and as we had previously agreed – I would wait for a moment and drive off.
Oddly enough neither of us thought about how I was supposed to stop the car! 1, 2, 3, – I put the car into drive, Cam gets his shot and we are both laughing. It would be a hilarious video. 4 seconds later I was screaming “WHAT DO I DO!!?” Cam and I both realized I had no way of stopping the car and I was headed straight for a cross street. Cam started shouting something and running after the car. I couldn’t believe how fast the car was picking up speed even though no one was pushing on the gas. I didn’t know what to do.
The only thought I had was of trying to shove the shifter back into park. I tried the shoving technique over and over again. The grinding noise that these attempts made was horrific, and this cute little video was turning into a horror movie for me. I was strapped into a car I could not stop and was headed into on-going traffic. Dead, I was dead. Finally one of my jamming attempts worked! Grind and Slam! (band name?) The car slammed to a stop and I didn’t die. The transmission on the other hand, different story Timmy, different story. Not sure if Cameron ever gave the full account to his parents when he showed them our video. I highly doubt it since it was their car. Just plain stupid stupidity.
Here’s the video for your deep and personal enjoyment:
Act of Pure Stupidity 2.0 – The Firework
I was spending a summer at my Dad’s in Colorado Springs. The 4th of July was coming up, and for some reason I was just laying in my bed hanging out in my room in the middle of the day. Probably because I had just finished mowing his football field of a backyard with a half working push mower. On a chair next to my bed there was pile of fireworks, and a lighter. I started fidgeting with lighter testing to see how close I could get the flame to the wicks.
Finally, as any reasonable person could deduce would happen, a firework lit – and it was a big one too! If you think the fact that I lit a firework inside a house was magnificently dumb, you should have seen how I reacted. The stupidity abounds. I had so many options – the best one being to throw the thing in the toilet or several other water sources in the house. No one would have ever known if I had only done that.
What did I do? I grabbed the thing and completely had a mental breakdown. I started hitting the burning wick side of the firework in a stabbing motion again and again into the carpet floor. If someone would have seen my silhouette from the window they would have thought someone was being brutally beat to death. I guess I was trying to smother it. The carpet lit on fire and starting burning a hole. Welp, I guess this strategy isn’t working after all.
I then ran as fast as I could through the hall, passing several water sources mind you – past the kitchen, out the back door – and I threw the sucker into the backyard right before it started exploding. My dad was working in the garden and was slightly curious why I ran out of the house with a lit firework. I covered the big hole in the carpet with a rug for awhile, but fessed up eventually. All these years later I have laughed many times about this stupendous moment of stupidity, my Dad has never laughed once. That being one of the stupidest things I have ever done, let’s move on to straight up confessions.
Confessing is a natural aspect of counseling which happens with ease as a positive therapeutic and trusting relationship is built between a counselor and their client. In many cases individuals are able get things off their chest that they have never revealed to anyone else. Just this act of verbalizing problems, misdeeds, or inner pain individuals have in their lives can have positive and life altering effects. Hmmm. Not sure if I have a positive trusting therapeutic relationship with myself?
Confessing to the masses probably has it’s benefits too, so I guess I’ll just tell you about my character deficiencies and bad things I’ve done. The reality of my character flaws are a serious letdown to be considered anyway. Michael the fast running elementary school boy, and temporary jerk was able to think about his character flaws and mistakes when he was just ten years old. Maybe I had better stop thinking about Ninja Turtles once and for all and think about what I need to change too.
I love you Michelangelo, goodbye.
Remember that scene in Goonies when “Chunk” starts listing off everything he bad he has ever done? This is going to have a similar feel:
I made a friend pee their pants in the dead of winter once while he was helping me with a paper route. I still feel bad for that one. The steam was so hilarious though.
I broke into an old abandoned theater on several occasions, filmed a short video in it, and stole several items.
I totally saw Hocus Pocus in the theaters.
For years I had a key card to the building of my old technology job. I’d sneak in there once and awhile and use their paper shredder.
I told my entire Junior High that I snapped my wrist from playing football. The truth was I tripped. I was headed to see a play with a friend, it was a buddy I had not seen in awhile, and I was stoked. I went rushing out the front door of our fourplex when his family arrived to pick me up. I almost cleared all the stairs, but my foot caught the last step and I fell off the patio. I completely snapped my wrist, and I had to hold my arm together with my other hand because it was hanging all weird.
I dared myself and a friend, Jake, to eat twelve donuts each for our lunch break once. We did it. I’m still alive, but have a long john or two lodged in there somewhere.
A group of Mexicans dared the only gringo in the group to a jalapeno eating contest. I was prideful, I was representing America and all whitey-ness. I won. I ate 14 whole jalapenos. I have had heartburn everyday since. No freaking joke. Hows that for a lesson on the consequences of pride?
I ordered and sent a gallon of gorilla crap to an old boss with Jake while we ate chinese food.
I ripped a tail off a lizard.
I mooned about 3000 cars.
I watched Miss Congeniality in a van with a friend.
I relentlessly made fun of a girl I hung out with in high school. We called her Topanga and Garey Busey due to the large-ish teeth. I did apologize eventually I think. We’re friends on facebook anyway.
I liked Mission Impossible 2 and Taco Bell.
There’s been times when I have told people I would do something and have not followed through. What a lame-o. I do not want to be that person. I tell myself I am dependable, and while I can be – I am not consistent. It stings Timmy, it stings.
I financially helped some people for about 6 years without telling my wife. Helping was cool, not telling my wife – wow that was bad.
In third through fifth grade I spent entire days hiding in a tree by my house to avoid school. Peed up there and everything. When I realized I could get back into my house after my mom left I started climbing down the tree and I would watch Willow, over and over again instead of going to school. Madmartigan!
I spray painted a “W” on the side of my childhood apartment building, and then backed out. I realized writing “Wes” on the wall might be a bad move. My mom tells me growing up, I would write my name all over the house and blame it on someone else. I really needed a sibling. I couldn’t even blame it on Timmy back then.
I threw a tater tot up into a gap in the ceiling of my elementary school. I think it is still there today.
On the topic of elementary school, I was sent to the principal’s office once because it was discovered that I had a butter knife in my sock. When the principal asked why I had a butter knife in my sock, I told him “It fell there.”
I spent a year of my life working at Chuckie Cheeses during my sensitive formative years. I can’t tell you have many times I was kicked in the crotch while wearing the Chuckie outfit, all for $5.75 an hour. Just plain old fashioned stupidity. On my part for staying, and on the part of the maniac children. “Yes $5.75 an hour is definitely worth losing the ability to be a father someday.” Haha. No. However, the kids at this institution would make me think twice about having kids. They were insanely vicious to the friendly neighborhood large mascot type animal things. They would kick, hit, pull, and emotionally abuse poor Chuckie.
On a high note, my boss let me off work early once because I didn’t throw up after cleaning the grease trap that had been neglected for months, so that was cool. Also toward the end of my cheesy tenure I found out that what one of the other employees had told me was a lie. I in fact could not eat all the cookies out of the fridge that I wanted. So, it turns out I had been stealing for a year straight. Awesome. Though I am pretty sure I enjoyed a few more “free” cookies before I left.
I was sitting in my ever inspiring cubicle at my technology job. At the time I was on a team of about 7 people working on merchandising projects for internet retailers. We all sat next to each other, and right behind me back to back was a girl named Ruth. Really all one had to do was barely speak above a whisper and the whole team could hear you. Still, we all did quite a bit of instant messaging.
I guess out of laziness to use our vocal cords or something. I had been chatting with Ruth earlier in the day, along with several other people – and all the chat boxes were still open. I had to ask Ruth a question, and I decided to actually talk this time and I turned around. Her response was a little less than what I would call intelligent. So, I turned back to my desk and wrote my buddy two cubicles down in a chat and said “Man, Ruth is such an airhead.”
I then literally heard a screech murder sound in my head! I sent the message to Ruth! I turned around and glanced at her, she looked at me, I panicked and something like “Ha ha funny joke right? Just kidding” There was no turning back. She knew the note was not intended for her. Pretty soon all the women in the office were scowling at me, and the friend I meant to send the chat to laughed for a month straight anytime he caught my eye.
Yippie! Three cheers for exposing my personal stupidity publicly!
Bottle of Dumb
I was around the age of 11, it was Christmas time and I was asked to play the role of King Herod in one of those cheesy productions of a local church about the birth of Jesus. Probably because I was chubby and could pull off being an older looking mean king better than some of the other little twerps. We rehearsed for an entire month. I had very few lines, and oh baby I had them down – I was the best King Herod there ever was.
The big night of the show finally came and I was moments away from my debut as an actor. I couldn’t believe how many people showed up to this thing. If you have ever seen one of these productions you should be able to picture the scene well. If not, I’ll give you the rough layout. Kids dressed up as sheep, cows, donkeys, angels, wisemen, and shepherds all backdropped with beautifully hand crafted props made from the finest materials of aluminum foil, pillow stuffing, and straw.
My time had arrived. All I had to do was waddle over to my throne in my oversized king costume and say my few lines once the lights faded in. I waddled scepter in hand and took my rightful place over the hoser peons of the land. My lines were not complex. Something in the vein of – “Hey evil henchmen, go kill baby Jesus because people are saying that he is going to jack me up someday.”
The lights faded in. I looked amazing. I am powerful, I kill babies for fun, yeah. “Wow, there really are a lot of people in here,” I noticed again as the lights fully lit up. And… my mind went blank. I could not remember a single line! A month of rehearsals down the drain. The silence grew thicker.
People off stage were trying to tell me my lines so I could get back on track, but the intense stupor that had invaded my being had plugged my ears and all I heard was Charlie Brown’s parents mumbling. I was breathing heavy into the microphone I was holding up to my mouth. I started to sweat profusely.
I then said, very loudly I might add, the first coherent thought that popped in my mind straight into the microphone. “Oh suck.” Some people laughed, and the uptight folks were appalled. One of the adults then came running out on stage with the script and read me my lines. Not embarrassing at all. I pushed through my performance and I have not had much interest in acting since. Though I will say out of all my letdowns and fails, this is the one that makes me laugh every time I think about it.
Bring The I Will Thrive Mommies Home
As is custom by now, it’s important to look at all of these events with the “I Will Thrive” glasses on. It’s a very good idea to laugh at yourself and learn from the vast stupidity that can be found in our lives. Yet, we need to be very careful about calling ourselves stupid. Such labels are dangerous, and if repeated enough will become self-fulfilling. The newly upgraded I Will Thrive version of myself is far from stupid. I wont hold on to any limiting thoughts about who I am. When we really dig deep, it can be crazy how many terrible things we think about ourselves. That’s why an all encompassing motto like “I Will Thrive” can be so powerful. I Will Thrive represents me in my highest state, and doing whatever it takes to get there. Of course there is more stupidity in my future, but it is not who I am. I’ll learn from it, laugh at it, and move on. Join me!
VIDEO version of this episode HERE
PODCAST version of this episode HERE