In 2014, I went to a Comic Con to help my lifelong friend Cam Kendell with his illustrator booth. We’ve been buddy’s since the age of four. But, as jobs, kids, school, chankers, more kids, and general adult life impedes on friend hang time – it can be difficult to see even the homiest of homies like Cam. So I relish the time I get with my close friends. I became quite excited about this Comic Con party when he asked if I could help. It was three days of hanging out with a buddy I didn’t get to see as much as I would like. Admittedly, once he asked I very quickly developed an ulterior motive to going. A very famous producer and many actors and writers would be there. Why not take the chance to try and network and get my script into someones hands?
Back then I only had one script to share, and that was Getting Bill Murray, which we’ve already talked about in detail here with this project. Before we get to what happened and how the networking experience panned out, let’s just review the entire Comic Con scene. This was my first time attending such a conference, and I have some solid first time goer take-aways:
- Far too much spandex: 9/10ths of all the people wearing skin tight clothing at these conferences should not legally be allowed to do so for the sake of all humanity and general eyesight. I mean I know my place, I’m a big dude. I don’t want to see me in spandex. Guaranteed you don’t.
- Far too little bathing: I smelled some smells that no man, woman, child, demon of hell death monger, or foul beast of the underworld under the underworld should ever have to smell.
- Far too many people: The waves of these Comic Con-y spandexy smelly folk was absurd. Absurd. Heck, let’s say it three times – absurd!
- Dr. Who is bigger than I realized, and Ninja Turtles are still pretty rad.
Let’s Get “Networking”
While my main purpose was to help out Cam, I managed a way to sneak in my secret networking attempts. First up was trying to talk with long time producer for Steven Spielberg, Gerald R. Molen. I went to a panel to listen to Gerald speak and hopefully have the chance to pass him a script. He was working on an amazing project, OURrescue.org – an organization with teams that go all over the world and “buy” back children who are enslaved in sex trafficking circles. If you haven’t heard of them, go check it out and get involved! Gerald was helping produce a film and a television series to spread awareness about this serious and troubling issue. This was the last thing I was expecting to hear about attending an uber geek comic con fest party.
I had decided halfway through the panel to forget about approaching Gerald about my stupid comedy. After hearing about something so serious, and such an important organization trying to combat one of the greatest evils of our time – it did not seem appropriate to talk to Gerald about anything aside from saving kids. But, somewhere in the middle of talking about making Schindlers List, Gerald spoke about the American dream. He had started his career in the movie business driving trucks, and he worked his way up. When the panel ended I decided that I am working on my own American dream, and it was worth a shot.
I shook off my nerves, and walked up to him after the presentation ended. Gerald is a super nice guy, but he basically gave the normal Hollywood blanket statement that he can’t accept unsolicited scripts. I felt like I had heard it a million times, which was weird because this was probably the first. Maybe because it sounded like every other legal disclaimer I’ve ever heard. The insanity of trying to get scripts into the hands of someone that could potentially do something with them always made me wonder how on earth new writers ever find any success.
While pondering that very question years ago I stumbled on the phrase: “The Calvary Isn’t Coming”. It comes from a speech Mark Duplass gave about filmmaking. Basically it means you have to take matters into your own hands, and find a way to just make what you want to make. 99% of the time, someone isn’t going to magically show up and give you money or help you in anyway. It lines up very well to my new “I Will Thrive” ideology. I even printed it off years ago and put it up in the space for my comedy Fatty and Chubs Channel. It’s a killer reminder to just work hard and push forward with your dreams. The whole speech is great – fair warning though – don’t watch it with your mom, unless your mom is a sailor.
So, I said goodbye to producer Gerald McWontAcceptScriptsUnlessHeAsksForThemSoHeNeverReadsCoolNewScripts-Pants, and I went back to helping Cam. However, I spent the next three days trying to get my script into the hands of as many people as I could. “Hey check out my script if you find any spare time, some day in your life… before you die… if you wouldn’t mind,” is apparently a rough proposition to stomach. The cherry on top of this silly stinky weekend was a fun filled photo op session.
Comic Con Photo Ops
Picture in your mind everything I mentioned about the spandex and the rhinoceros butt smell, then shove thousands of these uber crazed fans into a small space waiting to get a picture with some Star Trek icon they love. People wait for hours to stand next to Sir Patrick Stewart for 2 seconds and take a picture with him. After reading my first Bill Murray stories, then you should know my sentiments about autographs, and these photo ops fall in the same bucket. I’m not dissing your style if you get into this – it’s just not my bag.
I would maybe care about a having a picture with some celebrity if I got to work with them, or even had a lunch or something with them. Then the picture has something to reference, a memory of something cool. I can’t say the memory of standing next to Karl Urban for 2 seconds is worth spending $100 on a picture. I’d take a photoshopped picture first, its just as good and then I don’t have to worry about being accidentally stabbed by Wolverine Wannabe that I am forced to cuddle with in line. He was wielding some seriously sharp claw things. I’d love to see him at the airport, he’d be detained the moment he stepped out of his car. Also, if I paid money to take a picture with some celebrity, I’m positive my body would rebel against me trying to be all funny and ensure that I look as stupid as possible in the picture. It happens at the drivers license bureau, guaranteed it will happen standing next to Chris Evans.
None of that stopped me from spending $100 bucks at this Comic Con to wait in a line for almost three hours to get a picture. “Is he a nutcase?” Well really, I paid $100 for the chance to hand a script to a celebrity. I don’t give a flaming flying fart about the picture. I tried to be as scientific about it as possible. I knew that I had to be the last one in line, otherwise the celebrity would be in a rush to keep pushing people through the line, and I am sure they can only handle so much spandex and Tom Arnolds belly button smell for so long themselves.
This way, I can approach the dude and say “Hey I’m your last one,” they can take a sigh of relief that they are finished and I would have a small chance to pitch my idea and hope they take the script. Well, being the last in line was ridiculous as people kept showing up late, and I would have to figure out how to get back to the end of the line. I had to “go to the bathroom” like a million times. Finally the late comers had all arrived and I was the last in line for about an hour and a half.
After what seemed like a smelly helly forever, the time came and I was next. I already knew exactly what I was going to say to keep it quick. Right as I am walking to stand next to the celebrity they allowed a small family in at the last minute. Crap! There was no way I go back behind them now. I was so ticked off and confused that my plan had failed after three hours of waiting that I didn’t have time to think about at least making a cool space cowboy face (which would have been appropriate with this guy). – Nope, I just cranked my head back, advertising my beautiful physique more than usual, and smiled like a goober of goob town.
Curious who it was? Here you go:
Nathan Fillion adds 40 pounds right? There I am script in hand and all goobed out – not because I am standing next to Nathan Fillion, but because my plan had failed. Camera guy told me to smile, and… smile I did. A smile of defeat, utter annoyance for the wasted time/money, and most importantly – a smile that best accentuates a sexy double chin. (It’s honestly weird seeing old pictures of myself from that time period. I’ve since lost 80 pounds, and can’t believe I ever let myself get that big. Haha. I was thriving in a whole other way back then. I was thriving on donuts and Mountain Dew)
Maybe I still had a chance talk to Nathan quick before the next person.. nope. The second the photo snapped and I was about to talk – Nathan literally put his hand on my back and pushed me out of the way to get to the last family. Haha, oh man. As I expected, once he was done with them he hung out in the room for a little bit talking and getting ready to leave.
Just before he slipped behind the curtain, I pushed past the volunteer blocking me and said all I could fit in “Could I hand you a script?” The volunteer said “Hey!” Nathan Fillion said “uhhhhh.” Nathan Fillion’s girlfriend said “No thanks” and they vanished away. It’s quite possible this would have been the outcome even if I had been the last in line. But maybe just maybe if I could have shared the idea with him, and that this was just a quick cameo role – he would have checked it out. When I got home and showed my wife the picture she laughed good and hard.
I went to the conference with 5 scripts to hand out and came home with 5 scripts to burn in comic con annoyance rage ritual. I might even wear spandex. So – hey if there are any aspiring writers out there, take my advice and leave your scripts at home and save yourself the trouble. Handing out full scripts at conferences = bad strategy. Maybe get an agent or something if you can. Just don’t work with any agents named Jim if you can help it, just to be safe.
As ineffective as this endeavor proved to be, in a weird way I’m proud of myself. At least I was trying to move toward my dreams. I have zero regrets in that way. I’m also sure there are plenty of great ways to network at a comic con, but this method just plain stunk. It reeked the same stench of the very air took in those three days at my first Comic Con. Oddly enough, many years later I attempted the exact same strategy with a whole different group of celebrities. But that my friends is a story for another day.
VIDEO version of this episode HERE
PODCAST version of this episode HERE
