Any of you ever had close family, friends, or significant others completely break off from any association with you? If so, then you know first hand the crazy amount of pain it can create. It goes right back to the pain of rejection we evaluated in the last post. To have felt so close to someone – only to have them disappear forever, well it blows! One of the biggest let downs of my life was losing a dear friend.
Being an only child, friendships have always been super important to me. I have a lot of people I call my friends, and I love those crazy chankers. I have a much smaller group of about 6 guys that I consider my ultra brother homie dogs. These are the people I can completely rely on, and they can rely on me.
I spent a good portion of my childhood wishing I could have had siblings. Frequently out of loneliness I named objects in my room and held drawn out discussions with them. I named the walls, the desk, a chair, the window ledge, and so on. Flarfigus Johnson the lamp had terrible manners, he was always swearing at my mom and making people want to commit suicide. Leave me alone long enough I start losing it. So yeah, friends are important to me.
One of my homiest of homies became my homie in 7th grade or so. I can’t remember the exact day we became friends, but I think it was on a bus. We lived close to each other, and when I found out how close, I was crazy excited. I felt like I was surrounded by drug addicts, perverts, and old people – but no one my age, and especially no one I could relate to.
We had a lot in common. We were both into music, though he was a way better guitarist than me. Also, we both were the only kid at home with our parents. For him it was because he was born long after his siblings. His parents were already grandparents when we were in junior high. Great people. My buddy and I were both chubby, had no girls after us, and we had a ridiculous sense of humor.
I felt so lucky to have a good friend nearby. We stayed pretty good friends through high school, college, and all the way up until about the age of 26. We didn’t hang out and much as I would’ve liked as we got older. He moved farther away and marriages, school, jobs, and little annoying white puppies invaded life. However, I always valued his friendship and thought of him as my brother. Then smack, pop, sock, rock, bang, lick, trip, dip, chank, wank, sank –
“You’re an amazing rapper”
“You’re an amazing… shut up”
– our friendship died a strange and sudden death.
To this day I don’t fully understand why our friendship exploded. I was recording my debut album, and I asked him several times if he would play the bass on it. He had mentioned he didn’t think I should record the album, but never gave a concrete answer why. Maybe he thought 5 years later I would have a whole bunch of unsold CD’s sitting in my Harry Potter closet – which would have been an accurate prediction.
The studio was booked and I took out a loan for 3 grand to record about 20 songs. I wanted it to sound as amazing as possible. I would get to work with a music industry veteran in Utah – Guy Randle. At the time he had over 30 years of experience as a sound engineer and a producer. He has worked with all kind of Utah celebrities – like the Osmonds.
As the date approached I was getting nervous that my friend hadn’t given me a solid confirmation that he would play bass. I gave him a call basically begging him if he would do it. This pissed him off beyond imagination. I was confused why he was so mad. I decided to play the bass myself, which would increase studio time and make it all a little more crazy – but whatever no big deal. I asked my buddy if I could use his bass, which increased his anger 700 fold. He agreed, but would only either sell it or rent it to me. He was going to leave the bass on his front porch and I was supposed to leave the money when I picked it up.
Well, I didn’t have the cash at the moment of going to his house. I figured we were buddies and I would see him several hundred times after that day and I could pay him soon. I never saw him or heard his voice again. I tried and tried to call him, but he would never pick up. I wanted to get him his cash, and just see my friend.
Over a year passed by and I was so confused. I wanted badly to apologize for making him so angry, but I couldn’t believe that our friendship was over – especially because I didn’t fully understand what happened. I started trying to reach him through a mutual friend:
Hey man I love your profile picture. How are ya? Dude I have to ask if you can talk to me anymore about Muckbuster. He was like a brother to me growing up and with being an only child these few friendships I have mean a lot to me. I am having a really hard time understanding why he has decided we can no longer be friends. I have theories but none of them make any sense to me.
It is hard for me just to throw a friendship out the door like this. I am writing you out of a sincere desire to understand more so I can find some closure if that is what I have to do. The only other thing I can think of is just showing up to talk to him sometime on campus or something. Anyway man I appreciate you letting me ask and vent a little here. I have always greatly respected you on many levels. Thanks man – Hope to hear from you soon.
Wes, thanks for the compliment on my profile picture. So what are your theories about Muckbuster? I kind of want to stay out of it, but I’m sure MB can get a hold of you if and when he wants to. All my best, Kippy.
I don’t think Muckbuster has any plans on ever talking to me again based on an e-mail to me. This is why I am trying to do everything I can to rectify the situation or at least do something to help me feel better. I can’t just throw a friendship like that out the door. I have had several theories, but no use in listing them all to you. I will be now one of many people that he has seemed to push out of his life.
Whether it is that I just annoy him too much now, or he feels like there is some situation that necessitates our friendship to end – doesn’t really matter. The bottom line is our friendship must have meant more to me than to him. Friendship to me should stand up to more trials than whatever is going on here. I’ll always care about him and hope that someday whatever is going on can end and he’ll come find me. I understand you not wanting to get involved. Thanks.
Now a message from the one and only Muckbuster. He finally tells me what is behind this great mystery I had been trying to solve for over a year:
“Wes, We had an agreement which you failed to honor. By not leaving the money when you took the bass, you took advantage of my kindness and our deal. It seemed to me that you had no intentions of paying for the bass. Please keep your money – I don’t need your charity. For me, that bass became the metaphor for our relationship. Also, please leave Kippy out of this.
He has talked to me every time you have contacted him. He is very uncomfortable with you getting him involved. It upsets me when he calls me asking how he should respond. I know you still want to be friends with me, but this is between you and me. Using Kippy as leverage isn’t going to work. I wish you a Merry Christmas, Wes. Good luck with your album and family. If you need closure, let me offer this: I am a different person now; one who you wouldn’t like having around. But I guess you are just the latest in a long list of people “I have pushed away.” Do not contact me anymore. I don’t want you in my life.”
Wooie! Again, remember how our brains work? This was years and years ago and it still incites the same feelings! It is a really good reminder of why we shouldn’t live in the past and dwell on stuff like this. So let’s keep talking about it and dwell on it some more. hahah. First my message to Kippy, and then my final message to Muckbuster.
Dude, I am so terribly sorry I created an uncomfortable situation for you. Muckbuster got mad at me one day and that was it, he wouldn’t talk to me and I didn’t really know why. I am sorry I got you in the middle, and I especially hope I haven’t compromised your friendship, or at least a pleasant facebook friendship ;). I have told you before, but I always think of you as being the kindest person I knew in High school. After this message I will never talk about Muckbuster with you again. I would however greatly appreciate the opportunity to say goodbye to hime once and for all. I can’t send this to him directly so I ask you to please see that he gets it. I would greatly appreciate it. And again I am sorry.
Brother, I appreciate every kindness. I am so very grateful for the friendship we had, and for all of the wonderful memories. I could always turn to you and know I would have a caring friend to talk to. Thank you. I had every intention of paying you back for the bass, I have been trying to pay you back since that day, but you wouldn’t talk to me. I am sorry I did not have the money the day I came by. I am especially heartbroken that you feel all I ever did was take from you in our friendship without getting anything back – A very sad metaphor.
I apologize for ever getting Kippy in the middle of this. I have never even fully understood the situation, and my turning to him was out of desperation. I was not trying to use him as leverage – only to figure out if I could do anything to be your friend again. I happened to find out he knew what was up with you and that’s it. Thanks for the closure. Should make you feel good about yourself to know that you are not an easy friend to forget about.
However please don’t pass this off by saying I wouldn’t want to be around you anymore because you have changed. I would have been your friend and supported you no matter how you have changed. I am not that shallow. Even if my friendship was manipulative and self-serving, which in your eyes it appears that it was, I have always cared for you deeply, and always will. I said some things to Kippy because I figured you saw them. I did not mean a lot of it, I spoke out of anger because I have been pissed off about all this. However you are the one pushing me out of your life this time. You don’t want me your life, and I will accept that from today on. Have a wonderful life brother. I’ll miss you
Epic letdown of the highest degree? Holy mother of England yes. Just a FYI, I ended up leaving his bass, an old guitar I fixed up, and some other stuff of his that I had at his mom’s place. It helped me feel like I at least didn’t owe him anything.
I think one of the reasons why this was so hard to swallow was because I thought of myself as an almoster at so many things, but I am not an almoster friend. I have felt like being a friend is one of the few things I am was an almosty arse with. But, my ex-buddy proved me wrong. The past Wesly claims: Alas, Lord Duke Wes Almoster pants resides in all things Almostish. Almost a good friend? Check.
Today Wesly asserts (you oughta know by now…) I Will Thrive!
Also an interesting item of note here, it would seem that I lost this friend in relation to trying to work on a creative project. I wish I had a really long beard to stroke right now, I need to beard ponder.
There is an interesting part two of this story. Hang tight with me for that someday in the future!
VIDEO version of this episode HERE
PODCAST version of this episode HERE
